Misogyny, Patriarchy, and Sexism in Asian America
By: Jess Ayden Li, Co-Founder & Principal Consultant
Reflecting on the anniversary of the Atlanta spa shootings, I am still astounded by how slowly we’ve grown in smashing misogyny, patriarchy, and sexism in Asian America. Still, today, approximately 21–55% of Asian women in the U.S. report experiencing intimate physical and/or sexual violence during their lifetime. And this past week, our Healing Equity United team completed an educational curriculum and virtual class for one of our Asian Pacific American (APA) nonprofit organizations in Texas. The focus was on recognizing and understanding the misogyny, patriarchy, and sexism towards Asian American women in the U.S.
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Like most Millennials, I wasn’t taught APA history growing up. But as a professional Asian American woman who has worked in the nonprofit sector for almost 20 years, misogyny, patriarchy, and sexism are forms of oppression that I experienced regularly. Over the course of my personal and professional life, I’ve been told by white men that I’m not seen as a leader (instead, I was called a troublemaker for daring to challenge systemic oppression). I’ve sat in one-on-one meetings with men of color who tried to explain that forcing their wives to have sex is not rape (which I vehemently argued with). I’ve also been in spaces with white men and men of color who told me that women should take it as a compliment if they’re sexually harassed or whistled at.
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Perhaps my earliest memory of sexism is watching my brother get treated differently than me while we were growing up. He got more attention from my parents. When he was sick, my mom ushered him to the doctor even though we didn’t have health insurance. When I was sick, I was told to stop whining and to go to school. He was also rarely disciplined for his poor grades. And worse — my parent’s friends and relatives always bought him gifts while I got the pleasure of their company. Once, my brother got a Hot Wheels track set with race cars that I’d wanted all year. He played with it for a few minutes and then tossed it aside. My mom put it away and said that girls don’t play with cars.
The misogyny and sexism worsened in my teenage years. I was told that women could never be smarter than men. I was told that there were specific jobs that women couldn’t do (i.e., construction, engineering, CEOs, etc.). When my mom married my stepdad (now ex-stepdad), he would say that women don’t know anything and should just let men make all the decisions. And if I challenged him on any of his misogynistic beliefs, he would tell me that I was being brainwashed by the U.S. government. In other words, I was becoming “too American”.
But in all of my experiences, the most surprising and hurtful ones are those that actually came from women — and women who proclaim to be feminists. They say that women need to mentor and lift up one another. I’ve spent too many nights trying to understand why it happens and what we need to do to stop internalized oppression. And while I haven’t figured out what the ultimate answer is, I firmly believe that trauma from oppression and the need for healing are at the root of it.
I’ll preface what I’ll say next by sharing that I believe marriage is an institutionalized form of oppression. But within the Asian American community, there are still traditional beliefs held about gender roles that perpetuate patriarchy and sexism. For example, there’s a belief that women should do all the housework and cooking, and be at home full-time raising the kids. It took me and my partner over three years of constantly challenging these gender roles on a regular basis to get our moms off our backs. We know that they were raised to believe that, and helping them reframe these beliefs was core to dismantling the oppressions they experienced. I love to work, and my partner loves to cook — and we split the responsibilities of our furkids equitably. The structure works for us.
Six months ago, one of my close relatives got married. A few weeks before the wedding, the fianceé lashed out at me publicly and shared that Asian women should be adhering to certain norms when marrying into a family. And then she questioned my invisible disability. She later decided that she wasn’t going to allow for any accommodations at the wedding because it would “take the attention off of her on her wedding day”.
And professionally — the examples range from white women taking credit for my work (and being supported in doing so by white men) to being told by Asian American women that I needed to be “more nurturing” in the way I speak to women. It’s also shown up in the nonprofits that I’ve been a part of where I’ve witnessed Asian women accept the words of men at face value but then openly question the credibility of Asian women.
So What Do We Do?
“In a time of destruction, create something.”
My co-conspirator, Fiona Oliphant, and I have discussed internalized gender oppression at length for years. And we know that it only gets more complex when we look at it through the lens of intersectionality. But there are actions that all of us can take at this time.
For Asian American Women:
Call in our peers who identify as women
Name and address stereotypes and incidents when it comes up
Take time to work on our own healing and recognize where our own traumas and/or internalized oppressions are coming from
If we notice that we ourselves are perpetuating gender norms, then question the origin of those biases and then reframe them
Champion Asian American women who are disrupting the norm and challenging the status quo
For white Women Supporting Asian American Women:
Call in other white women when/if they are perpetuating harm
Be aware that your racial identity shows up in all spaces and you still hold white privilege
Research and learn more about how white women have primarily benefitted from policies and practices (i.e. affirmative action) that were originally created to support Global Majority/BIPOC communities
If we’ve caused harm, apologize, take accountability for our actions, and write down what we’ll do differently in the future
For organizations addressing systemic oppression:
Conduct a salary study in your organization — are men vs. women paid the same amount?
How many leadership positions are men vs. women in? What/Who comes to mind when we think of “leaders”? And how does that imagery affect whether Asian American women are promoted or not in your organization?
Institute a harassment policy in your workplace that addresses misogyny, sexism, and transphobia
Notice and call out when men vs. women are treated differently (i.e. women are asked to take notes or make coffee, and women are asked to be more aware of tone and language)
Recognize how gender biases have affected the careers of women (i.e. men are more likely to be promoted based on potential vs. women are promoted based on performance) and work to change that structure
For male-identifying allies:
Reflect on how you were raised and whether/how ideas about gender norms influence the way you now move through your personal and professional lives
Talk to other male-identifying individuals about sexism and patriarchy and the role that men can play
Intentionally create room in positions of leadership/authority for Asian American women
Notice how you show up in spaces with women and be specific, i.e. do you find that you’re mansplaining sometimes? Or interrupting women when they speak? And in meetings where there are mostly male attendees, are there even opportunities for women to speak?
When discussing gender roles at home, do you automatically assume that you’ll be doing certain things and that she’ll be responsible for other tasks? What is the discussion around the division of chores like?
Reinforce that women have a choice in romantic relationships and sex and that “no means no”. There are far too many survivors of sexual and physical violence in this country, and men have a responsibility in the “Me Too” movement.
The truth is that we can’t end misogyny, patriarchy, and sexism on our own. These are forms of oppression that will take a lifetime of unlearning, recognizing biases, reframing, and empowering others to act. But by making some small moves forward, we can begin the process of transformation and dismantling the oppressions that Asian American women have to face. And hopefully, in the long run, we won’t have another Atlanta.